Three students from Alpha Beta Zeta fraternity, said to have been at a party at ABZ house, were admitted Sunday morning to the local hospital for alcohol poisoning.
Press Martin, a junior in engineering from Shethar, New Hampshire, and Rob Smith, a sophomore in business from here in town, were released from the hospital Monday morning. Al Amalek, a freshman majoring in liberal arts from Nashville, TN, is still there and listed as in critical condition.
The university issued a statement stating that their investigation lead to a number of witnesses saying that the boys were consuming alcohol at an ABZ party and as a result they are suspending the fraternity and all its activity on campus. “We have not decided how long the suspension will last,” the university said.
Recently a couple of students, one at LSU and one at MIT, have died from alcohol poisoning. Two weeks ago, University president Harvey Smithville restated policy banning alcohol from fraternity houses located on campus property or within campus environs. “Any fraternity in which the members have alcohol will be immediately suspended,” Smithville said.
Interfraternity Council president Bart Addison says that he is shocked that this incident has occurred, however, he does not think it is fair to punish the entire university for the actions of a few. “I am going to ask President Smithville to reconsider his suspension of the ABZ’s,” Addison said.
The university is thinking of increasing its police patrols of fraternity houses on the weekends due to incidents such as this one.
1. Good lead, but find a way to include that second sentence’s information in your lead sentence.
2. The quote from the university’s statement is too long. Pick out only what is most pertinent.
3. I think the fact that Addison is opposed to the suspension should be included in this story.
1. In the second paragraph you do not need “on” before “Monday morning.” AP Style! pg. 202
2. I would suggest specifying “people” in the fourth paragraph. Maybe switch to “universities”???
3. The first sentence of your last paragraph sounds a little like a run-on. Also, the phrase “this one” become repetitive because it is used in both sentences of that paragraph. Maybe consider omitting it from one of them.
Overall, nice story! Hope these comments/suggestions help. 🙂
Your lead has improved. Now can you pack in the info about the suspension too?
2nd graf: “Al Amalek, a freshman majoring in liberal arts from Nashville, TN, is still there and listed as in critical condition.” A little wordy. How about “Al Amalek, a freshman majoring in liberal arts from Nashville, TN, is in critical condition.”